A Letter to Family and friends

It has been four weeks since my husband Felix died and were it not for your love and support, the enormity of my loss, our loss, would have been too much to bear. While I will try to thank you all personally, I am writing this so as not to dilute the sincerity of my gratitude.

I would have said Felix passed away but he didn't pass away, he died. Death is so final. I still cannot fathom how someone I slept and awakened with for 43 years was here one moment and gone the next. Of course, he had to leave in his typical style, just up and go when he felt like it. No "Sorry, honey, I have to go now. I'll wait for you on the other side." It's just a Felix thing.

For all the years I spent my waking moments away from work, looking after him, it is still disorienting that I have so much time on my hands. My house is quiet. The TV's are not on at the same time as the radios. He is not here to laugh at slapstick comedy, give opinionated comments or watch the food channel, Anthony Bourdain and Judge Judy. He is not here to meddle in all our affairs or to buy us stuff because he liked them, never mind that we didn't. Nonetheless, I sense his hand in things like how his last services went so smoothly in a Felix kind of way, how effortless his estate is getting settled or how somehow I feel protected. Closing out his credit card accounts has been a painful endeavor. I could only do one, one week at a time. It is like closing a part of a life. When I get to the last one, where will he be? But would you know, the one credit card with a large balance is the credit card he forgot to stop the credit insurance after the trial period? The company is refunding my payment. Serendipity? While his health kept him from taking care of me in his lifetime, I like to think he is looking after me now.

Felix touched so many lives. You all know how undeterred he was by infirmity and disability. He kept teaching, mentoring, spoiling family, making people laugh, scolding, and mostly loving. He loved his children and grandchildren and so he kept going until he could no longer. And through it all were all the people who worked with him, helped him, humored him and took care of him to make his last years memorable. There are so many people who loved him and by, extension, loved me. There are those of you who love my children and my family and who were there for us. There are my family at home and work, near and far. There are my friends. There are my children and grandchildren, who, despite their own pain, call to make sure I am all right. And there are the random acts of kindness by kind people. Felix and I have been so blessed. To you all, I am forever grateful.

Please know with certainty that I will be fine. I am not depressed. I am just sad. I weep in the shower, when I'm driving or at odd times and places. But I sleep well and eat well. I walk and exercise. I am competent at work. Felix and I were as different as night and day. While he thrived at being around people, I value my solitude. I choose to be alone and alone does not mean lonely. How can I be with all of you out there. I choose, for now, not to be comforted. I want to hold on to my grief just a little bit longer for it feels he is just slipping away from me much too quickly.